


Indulgent Catharsis

by Creedmes



Series: The Mental Abyss [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Blood, Depression, Gen, Graphic Description, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:07:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25943335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creedmes/pseuds/Creedmes
Summary: Keith's battle with depression takes a turn for the worse."Sometimes, I hate, the life, I madeEverything's wrong every timePushing on I can't escapeEverything that comes my wayIs haunting me taking its sweet time"
Series: The Mental Abyss [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1292378
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	Indulgent Catharsis

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics in summary are from "Narcissistic Cannibal" by Korn
> 
> Comments are highly appreciated. Thanks for reading.  
> I'm putting this in "The Mental Abyss" series, but this one isn't exactly affiliated with the other fics. It's just something I had to get out.

Everything in life isn’t worth it anymore. There isn’t a point in living on with how miserable he’s become as the days slip past weak fingers. Keith feels his life being tethered to those he loves. Or, dare he admit, those he had loved. Nothing brings him joy now as he sits in his dark room—yearning for the energy to draw the curtains back. Wanting nothing more than to feel something other than his own mental anguish for once. The only thing he has left is his sense of touch, but everything feels like he’s touching things with cold, numb hands. The soft fabric of his quilted blanket leaves his fingers feeling something velvety, but that could just be a distant memory he’s recalling to fill the void.

The black curtains shield any sunlight from getting into the dreary room. No amount of light or good thoughts can pull him out of this one. This abyss is worse than the others he’s had before. Those ones had lights at the end of their respective tunnels while this one is sealed up by impenetrable boulders. Each boulder that blocks his valuable light weighs a tonne and he doesn’t have the equipment to push them. There isn’t a will left inside to tell him to try and fight it out. He’s ready to give up for real this time.

A sad whimper comes from one of the corners of his room, and Keith wearily glances over to see Kosmo staring at him. The wolf may just be another animal, but he isn’t stupid. He knows something’s coming. The dark cloud that looms over Keith’s head has been bearing its weight down on him far too long to handle. It’s become too much and he feels himself taking a knee as it nestles itself comfortably on his shoulders. The nuisance of the cloud is filled with hate and disgust. Of lies and deceit to drag him down, down,  _ down _ into hell where it spawned from. The cloud is made of ugly faces and warped demons as his debilitating thoughts fed it his own cruelty.

Kosmo whines again, but his cry falls on deaf ears. He’s just another thing in Keith’s life that’s forcing him to stay alive. But it’s not worth being alive anymore. Not for the ones he loved. Not when he’s already dead inside.

He believes it’s considered selfish to leave this world by his own hand, but it’s in his best interest to go on his terms. He doesn’t want to wait for a disease or lonely old age to take him instead. Waiting for his turn while misery continues creeping under his skin and terrorizing his head is a life he cannot wait to escape. The one time he feels totally in control of what he does with his life isn’t going to escape him so easily this time. It’s all a matter of when that time comes to help him determine the best chance of succeeding in this ugly deed.

And he knows it’s ugly. He knows it’s wrong. He doesn’t want to give his friends and family strife and grief over calling it quits and doing something irreversible. Keith knows in his heart all too well that he isn’t replaceable in this world. Everyone who still loves him will miss him and they’ll never forgive themselves for not seeing the signs of his struggle. Keith would love to believe they even bothered to notice the signs, but that’s wishful thinking. He tells himself it’s a burden to stay here when nothing brings him a sliver of joy. Friends and family can tell him how much they love him, how much they wish him well, and that he should try to live a good life. That he should find ways to see the good in his life. To make an effort to crawl out of bed in the late afternoon from yet another restless night.

But what sort of person would want to live if they felt they never truly belonged somewhere in the first place? Keith reasons that if he didn’t fit in somewhere, why bother staying? Move on and be done with the past. He knows he had cliques he never fit in with. Trying to prove he was a part of a friend group that wasn’t a match for him. So really, why  _ should _ he give a damn about staying in a world where his brain tells him he shouldn’t be here. He doesn’t belong here anymore. It doesn’t matter if someone tries their damndest to convince him otherwise. His mind made itself up years ago, and he’s been reluctant to agree with it for as long as possible.

Today’s the day he finally believes it to be true. Because it is. He doesn’t want himself here anymore.

Thinking these heedless thoughts has tears pricking at the edges of his eyes. Funny, he thought he had no more tears left inside. They obscured his vision of the bleary room he’s hiding in. Keith blinks away his frustration and stares at the curtain to try and refocus his eyes. To give himself a break and prevent getting wet feet over this decision. The sun tries to peek through the material, but his black curtains snuff out any chance of light to leak in. The boulder at the end of the tunnel is happily in place of his only exit. There’s no turning back today. Not when he’s already so close.

A twinkle of blue sparks blip in the corner of his vision, and Keith jerks his head to the corner Kosmo previously occupied. Sudden weight of the wolf’s head nuzzling at his shoulder does little to soothe him. He can feel the weight of the wolf, but there’s nothing left in his own heart. Kosmo has always been a curious creature. Acting as if he could read thoughts and tell how someone felt based on body language alone. He truly is a remarkable beast not of this world. But even his attempt to bring peace to Keith isn’t enough to shake him. The wolf means well, but it’s not enough.

Keith raises a weak hand to pet Kosmo’s head and cards his fingers through coarse fur. It hurts to admit defeat while someone he loved is here with him during the darkest time in his life. If he could tell Kosmo to leave him alone or even go nuzzle someone else from now on, he would. But it isn’t in him to push a friend away. If anything, perhaps Kosmo is here as a final consolation. To bring him comfort as he slips further into darkness without a guide to lure him back out.

Keith leans over to press his face into Kosmo’s neck. He wraps his arms around the wolf and lets tears flow and soak into the fur. He wants so desperately for his tears to bring on emotion again. But there is none left within. Keith’s feelings are tapped out. Empty. Numb.

He’s fought these not-feelings for so long it’s taken everything out of him. The only thing Keith can muster before his voice bottoms out from a shallow sob is, “Please forgive me for leaving you.”

Pushing Kosmo at arms length away, Keith turns his body to his right where his pillow rests beside him. His fingers twitch uncontrollably as he dives his hand underneath the pillow to retrieve the blade he knows is always there. Left to him by his mother, the blade has always been there for him whenever his life was threatened. It served him well in the past during fights and battles. It never failed him when he needed it most. And now that it’s in his hand, it has one last service to give him. Now that he needs it more than ever. He needs his liberation to finally be released from these shackles.

The softest whine escapes Kosmo’s snout, but he doesn’t growl to warn Keith away from this. Keith looks back at the wolf and gives him a weak smile. He wipes that smile away as fast as it came on his face. With his left hand, he gently rubs between Kosmo’s ears until he hears the familiar sound of a tail thumping on the bed.

Sucking in a breath, Keith brings the blade in closer to his chest. Holding the blade upward with the tip pointed under his chin, Keith closes his eyes to consider his options. His thoughts are forever numb, but he still doesn’t want to do a half-assed job. He frowns when the thought of slicing both wrists come to mind. He doesn’t want to slowly bleed out and feel everything. He wants it to be fast and hopefully as painless as possible. But what options are there if he’ll use the blade?

He could stab himself in the chest and hope that does it. But what if he grows too weak to pull it out and repeat the process? What if the blade gets caught in his ribcage and it snags? Forces him to wait it out and pray no one walks in while he slowly loses his grip on life while crying in agony.

Keith doesn’t want to feel anymore pain because his own brain gives him enough of that already. Always thinking and convincing himself he isn’t good. He’s not the same person he used to be. He’s just an empty shell that’s suffering from hate and ridicule he’s given himself for months.

Pouting his bottom lip and pinching tears out of his eyes, Keith opens his mouth to scream, but it comes out as a whispered shout. With the blade still in his hand, he brings his knees up and hugs his legs to his chest. Everything on his mind runs circles inside his head as he struggles to focus.

Should I do it? Why shouldn’t I? What if Mom found out? Or Shiro? What the hell am I going to do if one of them find me? What do I do if they bring me back to life and demand answers?

With a grimace, Keith steels his gaze at Kosmo still staring at him.

“What?!” he cries. “What the hell are you looking at me for? I just want to be alone, damnit!” Keith turns his head away as fat tears pour down his cheeks. They begin to puddle on the quilt under him. He tries to steady his voice for Kosmo to understand, but it comes out warbled from high-strung emotion. “I hate it here. I hate me! I don’t want to be here anymore. Is it too fucking hard to understand?”

Kosmo gives a small, quiet exhale and soon his head moves away from Keith. They both fall silent as Keith waits for his tears to stop. Tears may flow easily now, but he’s quick to turn off the little faucet in his eyes that caused them to leak in the first place. He won’t go out crying like a baby. He’s done dealing with all of his bullshit.

“Why do I even fucking bother? I don’t see any reason to  _ push on _ or  _ get a grip _ .” Keith picks his head up and stares blankly at the ceiling. He smacks the flat-side of the blade against his leg to help him stay somewhat focused. If he’s going to rant to a wolf, he’s gonna need to not lose his cool for a few minutes to get it all out. “So many times I’ve had people tell me this is just a phase in my life. That I’ll get over it and I’ll find a way to get the help I need. That therapy and drugs are the answer. But what the hell am I supposed to do if I don’t want to do those things?” He turns to face Kosmo who’s watching him closely. Keith notices how Kosmo eyes the blade as if any minute now it could take his friend away. “I can’t find a reason other than  _ my friends and family will be sad. _ All my loose ends are already tied up.”

Once Keith gets those words out, Kosmo whines again and starts crawling forward. Kosmo pushes his nose against Keith’s thigh and stares with silent pleading eyes. It breaks Keith’s already broken heart to see his wolf so upset. But he’ll learn to get over it soon enough. A ragged breath escapes Keith’s dry lips as he rests his forehead on the knobs of his knees. He can’t stand to look at Kosmo when the wolf is sad for him.

“Every time I fall into one of these… episodes, I always do the same thing. I stay in my room and play chicken with kill— killing myself. I hope someone would look at me, and say that I’m not alright when I pretend to convince them that I am. That they want to help me and make me feel actually wanted instead of being tolerated.” Twisting his head back to stare at Kosmo one last time, Keith feels how his voice breaks to finish with, “I can’t remember the last time someone wanted to spend time with me. I don’t remember a time when they asked me to hang out, and not me having to do the asking. Too many times I’ve had to be the one to suggest hanging out or even spending two fucking minutes just talking to someone!” His hand squeezes the handle of his blade and he stops thumping it against his leg. “It just feels like I’m their burden. And they’d be better off without me.”

Kosmo yelps when Keith sits up straight and shoves the tip of the blade into his neck. It pierces the skin under his chin and just above his Adam’s apple. The soft flesh gives easily, and if he could feel it, Keith would bet he felt the tip of the blade underneath his tongue. At first, he couldn’t feel a thing. The slight pinch of the sharp blade poking through skin forced a slight twitch out of him, but there wasn’t much of a feeling there. He could hear Kosmo barking while frantically pawing at Keith to scold him for what he’s done. But there’s no turning back now. The deed will be fulfilled whether either of them like it or not.

A dirty metallic taste immediately floods Keith’s mouth and the mixture of blood and saliva spill past parted lips. Keith’s body shudders and his hand shivers as it continues holding the blade in place. His body falls back until he makes contact with the wall behind him. He straightens his legs to get comfortable and groans when his back slides down the wall. He can’t control himself as his eyes force to stare up at the gray ceiling before his lids can’t handle staying open any longer. Closing his eyes prevents the impending darkness from taking over his vision first. He’s in control this time.

A cold wet nose pushes itself on his cheek as Kosmo continues to whine. The wolf uses a paw to nudge Keith’s leg as if to tell him to stop what he’s doing. But like how a train speeds along the railroad, there’s nothing he can do to force this to stop immediately. Unlike the train, however, Keith can’t slow things down and have a chance at recovery. He’s sealed his fate and he hopes it releases him of his bonds quickly.

Searing hot pain overwhelms his body. His hand falls from the blade and it falls out of the wound it created in his neck. As the plug from the blade releases, Keith can feel everything all at once. The blood that pooled in his mouth lessens as it begins to spill out of the gaping wound now. For so long he’s felt nothing. If he were to hold a hand above a candle’s flame, he would feel nothing. Since there’s been nothing inside him for so long, he has turned into a husk of his former self.

Pain surges all around him as it continues to pour out his neck and mouth. The coppery taste of blood taints his memories of sweet and salty flavors. Hearing Kosmo crying and his own drowning groans prevents him from enjoying any chance at blissful silence. Dying isn’t easy when everything forces him to live the full sensory experience.

When his life’s blood begins to tap out faster, Keith’s body starts to relax. Overcome by sensations he hasn’t experienced for months is exhausting. His lids droop lazily over his eyes as he continues to choke and gasp for air. He’s vaguely aware of Kosmo still at his side, but he can’t feel anything but pain. He hurts all over. With his eyes still pinched shut, he struggles with one last breath before he feels nothing again. Instead of feeling empty like he’s been used to, Keith’s final thought is that this new “nothing” is glorious. Keith stops squeezing his eyes and slumps with his chin, messy and wet, pressed onto his sternum.

Who knew feeling absolutely nothing could feel so good?


End file.
